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Saturday, August 18, 2012

Slow Attempts at Rebuilding

Hahah, hey, guys. What's up? Oh, me?
Briefly, I lost my shit. Bipolar disorder is a force to be reckoned with. Let's just get that out there.
I did stop eating for a while, I've only just gotten back into preparing food for myself, and it's only today that I haven't had a couple drinks just to get myself out the door. In a fit of mania, I bought myself a ticket to Raleigh, North Carolina, a state in which  I know precisely three people. (I later had a panic attack, cancelled the trip, and then re-scheduled it about 8 hours later.)
I didn't take any food photos down there (beer photos I do have) but it involved a "Tempeh Tantrum," - marinated tempeh, vegan pesto, vegan bacon, avocado, and lettuce on sourdough at The Remedy Diner with my friend Tedd, before we began a night of incredible drinking. Another night, there was also a cookout at Tedd's friends' place in Durham. I didn't eat anything (though they were so incredibly generous to the awkward unknown girl in the corner) as most of it was not vegan and I was more interested in the whiskey and dogs (!) but there was a corn/tomato salad that someone had made entirely from local farmers market produce. It is big down there, I hear.
I brought along some energy bars that I ate for breakfasts most days.
I also brought this bag of crudites (cauliflower, broccoli, bell pepper, carrots) to eat on the train ride down:
 


My cousin lives in Chapel Hill, so I spent a day and a half with her. She took me to Top of the Hill, where they brew their own beer! It's a burger/beer place (with a beautiful view!) so it was pretty basic but there was an edamame burger (really good!) with sweet potato fries and two Ram's Heads beers, thank you very much. After that, she dropped me off at Cat's Cradle for one of my main reasons for going down there - to see Sebadoh!! Oh, man. Guys. I can't stop listening to Sebadoh. It was a fantastic show, and I'm gonna see them here in NY again next week. This is only ONE of their INCREDIBLE songs, but seeing as there's a cat in the video, y'all vegans might dig it. (Shen, this is nothing like United States of Whatever. Sorry.)

 

Anyway, so yadda yadda, vacation pics, whatever. I am back in New York and I know a lot of you lust after the vegan food opportunities here and being born and bred here, I never thought I could leave the city. But the South is beautiful, there is nature and space and cheap housing and kind people and none of the weird personal hang-ups that are here and quiet and local food movements and even food trucks and fragrant breezes and goats and backyards. So. We'll see what happens on that front. Advice/recommendations on moving to the Unknown are welcome.
ENOUGH RAMBLES. I am eating again and for anybody else who suffers from mental disorders (especially depression) I can't stress how important it is to give fresh, raw vegetables to yr body. It is totally hard to force yrself to put effort into anything, but please, please do it.
Here is my "Keep on Livin'" grocery run from today: an orange (grocery store), nectarine, corn, two little eggplants, and two zucchinis from the farmer's market. 


Also some treats. Of course. Vanilla So Delicious ice cream, a big bottle of Chardonnay, Emmy's raw macaroons (Coconut-Vanilla flavor), and Go Raw pumpkin seed cookies. I like this photo because you can see my angel statue in the background. She makes me not cry all the time.
Tonight's raw dinner:


 Raw kale, raw kraut, raw corn, tomatoes. Probably inspired by this meal from Paradis the other day:


Raw corn, tomato and onion salad alongside sweet potatoes and chopped kale.
Previous night's dinner:


Raw kale, raw kraut, tomatoes, tempeh. In a sriracha-tahini dressing.
Previously, randomly, seaweed salad into which I mixed sesame seeds and red pepper flakes. Never thought I liked seaweed salad, but I guess I do. This was followed by miso soup.


That's all for now. Hopefully more will come. I am moving in mid-September with an old friend so hopefully we will cook and have fun together.
Wow! Lots of personal shit, and I don't even know you all but I think it's important to be honest. I hope all you guys are well! Especially the pregnant ones of you! I missed you guys. Thanks for being there (wherever you are.)

54 comments:

  1. The kale/kraut/corn dish looks so good. Glad you are eating again. Been really stresses/down lately myself, so I thanks for the advice about eating more raw vegetables.

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    1. Weird, something messed up what I wrote, spelling things wrong and creating strange spacing. But you can still understand what I meant, so it's okay!

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    2. Thanks so much, Lori! You are so wonderful and deserve to be happy. Definitely eat more salads. I hope you are really well.

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  2. Welcome back! I'm sorry that things have been tough lately. I'm glad you were able to get out of the city and had a nice time visiting friends and drinking beer!! :) There's something so refreshing about getting out of the hustle and bustle and just recharging for a bit. And i'm glad you're excited about moving! You're beginning a new chapter in your life -- much to look forward to:) Thanks for being so open and honest - a very refreshing post!

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    1. It's cool; things are tough for everyone. Thanks for the good wishes. You are lucky to have yr family and getaway home - it is SO great to not be in the city for a while!

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  3. Sounds like you're making a conscious effort to take good care of yourself and that's what matters most. Glad to know you are feeling better now. The trip sounded like something you really needed.

    The salads look delish! :)

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    1. Thank you! And yes, vacations are funny because they are so different from everyday life - it really helps to get you outside of yrself and yr problems.

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  4. Welcome back! I'm so sorry that you have been going through such a hard time. I know how difficult it can be and while I know every single person is different I can definitely empathize with what you have been going through. I also understand what it's like to not eat because of your emotional state as I haven't been eating much over the past few days. You are so right though, eating fresh, whole foods is so important for keeping yourself on track. Your meals look really delicious and it seems like you have been good to your body with these lovely fresh meals.

    I just want you to know that you are pretty much my hero for taking that risk and picking up and moving to the unknown. I've been thinking about moving south for years now but have been to scared to really make the steps to do it. I am really inspired by your bravery to do so and I hope that you will find happiness and peace down there!

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    1. Thanks Sarah! As of now I am still in NY and probably won't move until at least the spring, after a couple more visits and job-y type things but then again everything could have changed all over again by then! We will see.
      my biggest worry about the move is the driving factor - you at least have a car so that wouldn't be a problem. Where hve you been in the South? (Oh...I DO recall a New Orleans story... ;))

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    2. LOL! Yes I was in New Orleans but I have spent most of my time down south in FLorida. It's so beautiful and inexpensive but who knows. The job is always such a big factor.

      I do have a car but I'm pretty sure it is going to fall apart any day lol! I'm also considering places with good public transportation ;) I can appreciate all of the concerns and thought that goes into a move like this, I'm in the same boat as your right now! I think we'll end up where we are supposed to end up :)

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  5. Hooray! I was beyond excited to see your post pop up. North Carolina is really beautiful, and I have a good friend who has considered moving there for the same reasons you mentioned. I think she is planning on working for a farm next summer, in exchange for room and board. Kind of like "trying it on" without "buying it" by moving there immediately. I know you'll make the best decision for you!

    A lot of beautiful meals above, and the meals you experienced on vacation sound really amazing.

    P.S. Remy has obviously missed you as well - he keeps putting his paws on the keyboard. ;)

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    1. Yeah! I wanted to work on a farm down there too - I think FoodCorps has a program. Good for her!
      Give Remy a big belly scratch for me.

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  6. Aw, Maud, I give you SO much credit for being so honest. I thinks it's fantastically awesome of you. I've gotten to know quite a few people very well with bi-polar disorder and know how tough it can be.

    I think it's terrific that you're thinking about moving somewhere that's good for you. I used to want to live in the city but over the years of traveling, Mike and I have realized that we need to be in a smaller area. If you have any specific things you want to know about making a large move, I might be able to help. It's something I've researched and seriously considered for years now.

    I love that little eggplant with the "nose". ha! So cute. Great food all around, as always!

    Glad to see you back. :)

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    1. Thanks, molly. It's cool that you guys are so into the airstream lifestyle. We are a nomadic people, I think, and it's great to have freedom and be able to move.
      I have definitely been thinking about you and yr minimalism lately! That must make a move so much easier too.

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  7. I agree with Molly; can we give that awesome nosed-eggplant a shout out? Happy to hear from you again!

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  8. Really glad to see you posting again - hope things only get better from here, and there's more Sebadoh, seaweed and beer ahead

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    1. Thank you! I see much more Sebadoh in the future...they are playing here tomorrow!

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  9. That bottle of wine and tub of ice cream speak to me!

    I am at the moment living in a very rural area of Atlantic Canada. Most of my life I was a city girl...but I don't miss it. And when I go for a trip into the city,I often think to myself, this is fun...but I can't wait to get back to my shire:P

    Glad to hear you are feeling better.
    Hey it's five o' clock somewhere :D

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    1. Yes, the seaweed is always greener, I suppose :)
      Thanks for the well wishes.

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  10. So sorry that you weren't doing well. You were missed. I can relate having some similar issues myself. It's good to take blogging breaks and city breaks too.

    I have moved to a few places not knowing what was next, but with a partner, which I think is different than doing it alone. I like smaller cities or ones with access to the outdoors but I feel a little too trapped in NYC plus it's so expensive. I'd be happy to give you any more specific advice, I'm just an email away. :-)

    Hope the good food makes you feel good. You deserve it.

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    1. Thank you, Bitt. Are you still blogging at all?
      moving with a partner is certainly probably preferable but sometimes big solo leaps are refreshing :)

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  11. You're not gonna live with G anymore? Who gets custody of Haxan?

    Anyway, glad you didn't leave a big dent in the roof of somebody's brand new SUV (I'd figured you were gonna jump off one of those NYC skyscrapers).

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    1. Haxan is mine and I am Haxan's. G and I figure that living together right now is not really the best for either of us.
      And ha, thanks. I've been hanging out on my roof lately, but more for the Vitamin D than for a springboard. Glad to have yr comments back.

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    2. Well, when you put it that way, I will try not to be too bummed about the dissolution of your creative partnership.

      I'm glad to no longer have to read the NYC obits.

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  12. Glad you're back on the blog and back to the veg. And sorry you weren't feeling good for a while. We missed you lots.

    I've moved to the unknown a few times and had really positive experiences. I'm visiting the South for the first time right now and well, I've only been here for a few hours so I'll have to give you an update later. So far I think the landscape is beautiful and they're not used to seeing heavily tattooed females. That's all I got so far.

    Hope you continue to feel better and better.

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    1. Oh yes! I am not "heavily" tattooed but still got some stares and comments, haha. Hope you have a good time!

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  13. Glad to see your post and you! Sometimes major upheaval in our lives can lead to some pretty great stuff once the dust clears. I hope a less bumpy path is ahead for you, in NYC or in the great wide open. Love and hugs to you!

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    1. Thanks! That's what I figure - do something unexpected, or else you'll never know. And a lot of the time it can be undone, so... :)

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  14. Maud! I'm so glad you're back! :)

    And of course I'm headed in the opposite direction of what you suggested - from a fairly small city in the midst of vast prairie to a very large city. But to each their own, right? Depends on what you want because there's pros and cons to both.

    And you're right about feeding yourself properly during shitty times, though it's REALLY hard to do that. I usually just eat crap and drink a lot when difficult times come 'round. So you've got some of my admiration!

    Glad to hear you're moving, that should really help. Take care of yourself and hope to hear from you soon!

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    1. Yes! When did you say you were going to move again? Next summer? I hope it works out well for you guys. Haha, the ice cream and wine might counteract the fresh produce, but hey. We get through how we do.
      And thanks for the kind words and the e-mails, truly. If I am still in NY when you visit, drinks are still in order.

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  15. Maud, I hope you are okay. Please take care of yourself.

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  16. Good luck to you. I live in NYC and PA. When I'm in one place I miss the other although August in NYC is not fun. If you chose to leave the city full time I hope wherever you go has enough "stuff" to keep you entertained.

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  17. "Look up to the sky, sky, sky!" I hope things ease up for you.

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    1. Le Tigre always helps too :) Thanks Leslie.

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  18. Glad you are feeling better. Your food pictures look delicious - as ever, so very inspiring.

    ps) Listening to Lou Barlow's voice generally makes everything ok :)

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  19. Welcome back! I am sorry you have to deal with your problem, life can be hard enough as is and to have a bipolar disorder and panic attacks only makes it harder. I hate panic attacks! Just a little 2 cents from me, alcohol can make your bipolar or other depression issues worse, try raw juices and Kombucha instead :-))))

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    1. Thanks for the tips and good thoughts. You're right, of course, and I really am trying to cut back on the booze. A cleanse of some sort might be in order.

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  20. welcome back and good luck figuring out your move! tony and i came close to moving to chapel hill several years back. we even put down a deposit on an apartment. then i panicked and we backed out. i still wish we'd gone through with it! it's such a pretty area and people are laid back. good music scene too. yay, sebadoh! they are awesome :)

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    1. Wow, interesting! Was that before or after New York?

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  21. Hi Maud!

    It's so nice to see you writing posts again. I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling with bipolar disorder. I have severe depression (with panic/anxiety attacks) so I understand. This past year has been a massive struggle for me and I can't seem to move myself forward. But, you are completely right that healthy fresh foods can make a difference! My sweet tooth would prefer nothing but cookies and doughnuts, but I know better! The biggest help for me has been lots of fresh juices and fresh air. I'd probably stay in bed all day if I didn't make to-do lists. Somehow they are like my alarm clock - productivity makes me feel more useful, especially since I can't seem find a dumb job.

    Your food looks delicious (tahini! kale! sweet taties!) and hooray for Sebadoh!! Take care of yourself :)

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    1. Thanks, Amy - You are totally right about the to-do lists. That has been helping a lot lately. Keeping busy is important, even if it's things for yrself! The job thing is a bummer of course, but in due time.
      I hope things get better for you too.

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  22. Hey I'm glad you're back from the abyss.

    Two reservations I have about the south: extremely humid summers and snakes. If you're OK with those things though and you want to move, give it a shot. I think the Raleigh-Durham-Chapel Hill area would have a lot of cultural offerings, in part because of all the colleges there.

    On another note, I think it's totally cool that you took a train to get there for your visit. I LOVE train travel.

    Beautiful produce (especially that wacky eggplant) and the salads look great. I think I am finally ready to try raw kale.

    I like the kitty in the video (kitty in the viddy?), but no it can't top United States of Whatever - I loved that.

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    1. Snakes! I like snakes, I think. The humidity makes me cranky, but it wasn't so bad (or different from NY). Yes, though, train travel was so much fun! It was a 9 hr ride but it went by so quickly because I was so entertained by the view.

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  23. Wow, you're popular - all the miss you's and well wishes. I missed you, too. Even though I don't read blogs everyday, I always catch up on everyone's eventually. You're such a good, kind person I always want you to be happy. The momma in me is going to agree with Elisabeth and tell you to cut down on the booze. :) I'm terrible at advice giving, though, and you eat better than I do so there's that.

    Arkansas is in the South! :) And we have lots of natural things and nice people, stuff like that! I do realy like North Carolina. I've never been to Chapel Hill, but I love the Asheville area and Wilmington and beach areas. You know I always want to move to NY, but anytime I'm there I'm able to appreciate my own home and space that much more. I actually can see you thriving somewhere smaller. (Listen how I'm pretending like I know you really well.) It's like how I went to a large college my first year, and I felt horrible and swallowed up and lonely. And when I moved to the small school that I always wanted to attend I felt more like myself and was so much happier. It does get old, though, living in a town where hunting and farming is so prevalent, and I feel like such a minority. So hopefully if you move to the south you'll find a place a bit more progressive.

    Never heard of edamame burgers, but they sound good.

    I hope you and Greg continue to figure out what's best for both of you. Not that it's any of my business or I have any idea what I'm talking about.

    Have a good week!

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    1. You are very kind, Jenny, thank you!
      Yes, you've definitely proven that to not live in NY doesn't mean you don't ever go to NY. The hunting stuff wasn't so prevalent from what I saw, but the BBQ certainly was.

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  24. <3, girl, <3 to you.

    But hey, there's Sebadoh & Tri-City awesomeness!!! Gosh, aren't their live shows killer? I wish you could have seen them in England at ATP with me (though their Cat's Cradle show last year was super killer too). Bakesale's def. my favorite album, but it can be so hard to choose.

    I love love love the South and feel too northern up here in Roanoke. I miss Atlanta every day, though I don't think I could move back any time soon. I'd move to Raleigh/Chapel Hill in a hot minute though! Or Charleston! Nashville is pretty damn neat too. Oh, and the things I've heard about Kentucky lately--yesss. Mostly, the South these days is about as forward & progressive as anywhere (in cities at least), though a large university always makes the vibe better. Definitely different than NYC, but oh so good in its own way.

    Awesome to see you back & cooking & treating yourself right--internet ((hugs)) & all that jazz!

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    1. Sebadoh was fanTASTIC. I would like to see every one of their shows. I don't know how I'd feel about the super-south; for some reason, the TriCity felt pretty Northern, or at least familiar to me.
      I think more trips down South are in order.
      Thanks for the well wishes :)

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  25. I've been away from blogging for a while but now that I've got my computer back in action I checked first for a post from you, 'cause I missed seeing your updates, and I was a little worried. I'm glad to hear you're back on your feet. Moving is hard but if you find a place that feels right, it's worth it to change locations. Moving from a large city to a small one can drive you crazy at first, but then you may come to appreciate and love the smaller place. At least I did.

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    1. Did you move to Seattle from Wisconsin for job-related reasons? or family? or other? I have no real reason to re-locate other than "I am sick of NY" but maybe that means I should just travel more often.
      Glad you found a place that makes you happy!

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  26. well, i`m super behind in catching up on your blog and have been moving backwards in time post by post & then came to this one... i`m obviously a little late in sending some love as judging by your more recent posts things are on the up and up, but here`s some love being thrown in your direction from up north!

    i`m so sorry to hear you`ve been struggling and i wish you gentle days ahead. keep up with those beautiful living foods to feed your mind, body & soul :)

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